Archive for 01/26/2011

looking back

Posted in blah, express on 01/26/2011 by whatevertoni

February 29, 2008


if i stop blogging here.. that means i stopped breathing..

 i love ___.. so much..

nothing else matters..

March 9, 2008


i can’t help but feel sorry for myself.. after a long time of pain, you weren’t worth it after all. but still.. i’m glad that it’s over.. i don’t feel sorry now that i’ve totally lost you.. as what i’ve said, you are not worth it.. you chose to be with her.. so okay.. i’m letting you be..
March 9, 2008

right time

there is a right time for everything. we care for each other but it’s still not enough for us to be together. you are with someone. you can’t fight for me. maybe we are not meant to be. i won’t force things. i’ve decided to just let things be. let things flow. maybe, plans fail because it’s really not meant to be. of course, i would like us to be friends. but it’s not possible as of the moment. the cut is so deep that there my brain seems to shut off the idea that we can still be together. the pain was all too much for me to bear. i still feel a bit stupid for saying my real feelings to you. only to feel ridiculed because i still wasn’t enough for you. it’s over. and i have given up any idea that we can still be together.
February 20,2009

also a letter to villete

i still have feelings for you. but i don’t know if it’s love or you’re just a very bad habit to break. you’re my addiction and i need to go to rehab for this. i guess my mind always drifts back to the time when i loved someone so much. it’s incredible to know that i can love that way. ironically, i felt love for a person and at the same time i felt unloved by that same person. things happened already and i just can’t get over it. i still feel bitterness. you made me feel i wasn’t needed. you confused me with the letter you sent to villete. i don’t know. i guess we won’t see each other soon. I pray to God that we’ll find our way to fix our stained relationship. i don’t know. but i still haven’t forgiven you fully.
-entries from my old blog
January 26, 2011
No I am not heartbroken! lol. In fact I’m numb.
I decided to look back in the past where my trauma in relationships came from. I couldn’t go on feeling afraid of opening up myself to the possibility of love.
While in the train a few weeks ago, a thought had suddenly entered my mind. I said to myself that I didn’t want pain to be my last memory of love. So I had to be positive about things.
What happened in the past really affected my view on relationships. My mind was closed, and my heart was impenetrable.
Yes, I’m now over that relationship, but the trauma is still there. Sometimes, I still seem a bit distant around new people and even with friends that I’ve known for a long time. I know that I have to set myself free. I deserve to be happy again.
I think my addiction to KPOP is feeding my emptiness inside. Oh well. At least I’m not doing drugs…. regularly. hahaha!